Juan Valdez & Chiquita Banana Unmasked! Shady Snapshots Shake Lead-up to Big Event
The Halloween Herald Issue #7
—Published by the Herald’s Private Investigative Division
Trouble is percolating at Sonny’s Sanatorium. What’s supposed to be a high class launch of the new lavish wellness compound continues to devolve into a series of scandals with more layers than a Chef Boyardee lasagna.
The glittering grand opening gala continues to serve more drama than detox, and at the center of this week’s intrigue are Sonny’s beloved gurus and sanitarium co-directors Juan Valdez and Chiquita Banana.
The Herald has obtained copies of the following exclusive photos showing Juan and Chiquita in a series of wild disguises—each more confusing than the last.
WARNING: some readers may find the following images peculiar and downright disturbing.
Juan and Chiquita in what looks to be some sort of twisted rendition of iconic American propaganda characters Uncle Sam and Rosie the Riveter.
Here they are photographed in what looks to be another glamorous gala, this time using the pseudonyms Pussy Galore and Oddjob.
We aren’t sure how this futuristic photo of them as hyper-sexualized Barf and Dot Matrix was captured, but frankly it is beyond the pale.
Finally, most outrageous of all, here they are captured clearly causing chaos in the Wild West.
Suspicious? You bet your cold brew it is.
Initially leaked on Sonny’s Sanitarium’s official Instagram account, the photos appeared alongside the following caption, “Juan and Chiquita: more international mystery than internal medicine.” The post has since been removed from the facility’s Instagram and scrubbed from the internet entirely.
When asked about Juan and Chiquita’s legitimacy as directors a former Sonny’s Sanatorium staffer hinted that the gala isn’t just an opening party; it’s also a soft launch for a line of experimental, wildly popular, bordering on ritualistic, presciptives created by the duo.
Rumor has it one of their signature concoctions, the Exxon Juan Valdez Chiquita Banana Republic Oil Spill, usually reserved exclusively for Sonny’s patients, will be on offer to all gala attendees.
The Herald reached out to Sonny’s for further comment regarding the suspicious post. A spokesperson issued the following reply, “Juan and Chiquita are international icons of health and vitality. Those photos simply reflect their global commitment to rejuvenation and exploration. We stand by them, as well as their valuable contributions to our patients and the cause.”
Questions remain… Who are Juan and Chiquita really? Are the photos proof of an insalubrious plot to market shady supplements to unsuspecting gala goers? If the photos are real, why the alter-egos and what are they actually up to at Sonny’s?
Whether Juan and Chiquita are at Sonny’s for a health revolution or a hustle, one thing is clear: the Sanitarium’s serene vibes are spiraling into a caffeine-fueled, fruit-scented fever dream… or perhaps, nightmare.
Stay tuned as we continue to track this spirulina-tinged scandal into its final act.
Big Burger Beefs: Ronald & The King’s Sizzling Showdown Continues!
The Halloween Herald Issue #6
—Published by the Herald’s pg 666 Public Relations Team
The fryer’s heating up as two of fast food’s biggest stars—Ronald McDonald and The Burger King—try to ketchup with the times.
These two snack superstars have been at loggerheads for decades, but now they’re grilling up something big and juicy, and possibly peace-flavored.
McDonald’s and Burger King have both been experiencing the soggy buns of shrinking sales.
With folks getting more health-conscious and pulling away from the drive-through the burger giants are sweating more than a fish sandwich under a heat lamp. Rising costs and fizzling excitement have them both in quite a pickle, and not the tasty kind!
But there maybe hope for the titular titans. In a shocking twist, Ronald and the King are said to be teaming up on an epic collaboration: a super-secret, ultra-umami burger that’ll be sold at both their restaurants. That’s right folks: The Clown and the Crown are joining forces!
The burger is set to debut in all its delicious glory at the star-studded opening gala for Sonny’s Sanatorium—the hottest event this side of the soda fountain. Mascot, Muppet & Puppet celebs, influencers, and snack-loving socialites from around the globe will be there to watch these two mascots take a bite out of history.
…but don’t fire up the grill just yet.
These mascots may be flipping burgers, but they’re also flipping OUT. Social media’s been sizzling with sassy tweets, shade-throwing, and legal beefs with extra messy toppings.
Recently Ronald posted a video calling the King “nothing but overpriced bologna in a paper crown,” and the King fired back with a TikTok titled “Clown Down,” featuring a suspiciously red-wigged piñata; leaving a nastier than normal taste in many Big Mac lovers’ mouths.
The competition is also throwing jabs at both instigators between the online blows. Big Boy, Jack in the Box, and all five Five Guys have been riling up their fast food fan bases creating an all you can eat buffet of rumors and speculation.
Can this burgeoning business deal survive the drama? Or will this royal-clown combo end in a massive public food fight? Only time will tell.
Stay tuned fast food fans, because when clowns and kings clash, the real winners could be your taste buds — or your social media feeds, and we will be here to deliver every cheesy detail along the way.
Exclusive News: Popeye and Catalina Mermaid are Making Waves with Their Steamy New Romance — But is Trouble Lurking Below the Surface?
The Halloween Herald Issue #5
—Published by the Pg 666 Sea-crets Desk
Batten down the hatches and walk the plank — because Popeye the Sailor Man is officially off the market. And his new boo? None other than Catalina Mermaid, the shimmering siren and long-reigning queen of Chicken of the Sea.
The unlikely duo has gone from "covert cruising" to full-blown couple status after weeks of dodging paparazzi and sneaking out of waterfront restaurants in separate dinghies. But recently, things have taken a serious turn — and all of us at the Herald are absolutely losing it.
Just last weekend, the sea-sational duo was snapped canoodling in front of Heart of the Ocean Jewelers, where eyewitnesses say the couple spent “well over an hour” looking at rings. Yes, those kind of rings.
“They were totally vibing in the sapphire section,” said one store employee. “She kept flipping her hair like she already knew she was getting a rock.”
Insiders say the chemistry is undeniable. Popeye’s rough-and-tumble sailor swagger paired with Catalina’s bubbly charm has Hollywood and Atlantis swooning.
“She’s the tuna heiress with a tail of gold. He’s a roughneck sailor with forearms for days. It’s weird... but it works,” said a close friend of the couple.
But not everyone’s swimming in joy…
From Tuna to Tartare: The Ex-Files
Sources close to Catalina say some of her past suitors aren’t taking the news well and could even be plotting to torpedo the romance. The list of salty exes is deep and divisive: Charlie the Tuna, Gorton the Fisherman, and Captain Morgan just to name a few.
“She’s got a history. Let’s not pretend she doesn’t,” spilled another friend. “These guys aren’t just exes — they’re powerful, petty, and possessive.”
One anonymous former flame allegedly tried to intercept the couple’s reservation at a secluded seaside spa in Massachusetts and on another occasion reportedly sent Popeye a crate of sardines with a note: “Fish ain’t the only thing that can fit in a can”.
Proposal or PR Stunt?
So, is a proposal really on the horizon? Or is this just another splashy PR push cooked up by Chicken of the Sea or the big spinach branding teams? Both companies could use a boost especially after Popeye Spinach unceremoniously ended one of its largest supply contracts late last year.
Either way, we’re watching closely — and if that sapphire shines as bright as the rumors, we’re gonna need to find some shade!
Until then, we’ll keep our periscopes up! Sea-you later gators.
Feuds & Flaky Drama: Little Debbie and Poppin’ Fresh “Biggest Loser Battle” Rages On!
The Halloween Herald Issue #4
—Published by the Herald’s SnackScandalz Division
Things are heating up in the kitchen — and not in a good way. World famous snack mascots Little Debbie and Poppin' Fresh, a.k.a. the Pillsbury Doughboy, have traded sweets for sweat as they continue to face off in the record-breaking most watched season of The Biggest Loser: Mascot Edition sponsored by none other than the Kellogg Foundation.
But don’t let the saccharine smiles on screen fool you — beneath the butter cream exteriors lies a rich rivalry baked to perfection... and it's all about to burn!
At the start of filming, Little Debbie and Poppin' Fresh came off as civil, posing for press pics and exchanging forced giggles, but sources on set say major tension is rising between the final competitors.
“They act friendly in front of the cameras, but I’ve caught Debbie rolling her eyes when Fresh laughs at his own jokes,” one production insider spilled. “And once, during a weight training session, I heard her mutter something about him being more ‘flour than power.’”
Rumors have been spreading online that certain contestants might be dabbling in a little pharmaceutical assistance. Whispers of weight loss drugs have taken over the set, and while both mascots deny using anything but diet and exercise fans have noticed Poppin’ Fresh slimming down from croissant-to-cracker faster than quick rise yeast.
Even though Debbie’s transformation has been rather steady and strategic — close friend and confidant Ernie Keebler has intimated Debbie has grown increasingly suspicious of Fresh’s dough-dropping tactics saying, “I’m worried her obsession with Fresh’s antics will be the end of her. It’s bordering on unhealthy and she needs to keep her head in the game if she wants to win.”
The sweetest prize of all…
Why all the hoopla you ask? It’s because the stakes are massive. The winner of Mascot Edition gets a multi-million dollar endorsement deal to be the face of a new line of diet-friendly dessert products said to be rolling out under the Kellogg Foundation's new "HealthiBites" label. Think protein-packed Crescent Rolls and zero-calorie Zebra Cakes.
“This is about more than just weight loss,” says Kellogg Foundation’s executive director. “This is about altering public perception of one of these iconic brands… and selling truckloads of guilt-free snacks to consumers.”
Final Crumbs
With only a few months to go we’re keeping our TVs tuned to this savory saga. Will Poppin' Fresh poke his way to victory or will Little Debbie serve him a slice of humble pie?
Stay tuned, snack fans. This battle’s just getting started — and it’s fabulously fresh and deliciously dramatic.
Chef Boyardee Makes Dramatic Comeback Cooking for a Cuckoo Cause
The Halloween Herald Issue #3
—Published by the Halloween Herald’s FoodFightz Division
Just released! Celebrity chef, and canned pasta king Chef Boyardee, will be making his re-entry into mascot celebrity culture at the grand opening gala of Sonny the Cuckoo Bird’s Sanatorium for Mascots Muppets & Puppets.
Officially emerging from the marinara stained shadows, this will be Boyardee’s first public cooking gig since last year’s Spongmonkies Scandal rocked the entire culinary world.
Flashback:
The Spongmonkies Scandal
Late 2024, headlines exploded when it was uncovered that Chef Boyardee had secretly outsourced the prep of his beloved canned pastas to none other than the Quiznos Spongmonkies — those bug-eyed, jingle-screeching gremlins from mid-2000's sandwich commercial hell.
The Spongmonkies, known for working in “chaotic, shriek-fueled conditions” and demanding payment solely in moldy cheese, purportedly caused an entire canning factory production line to descend into operatic madness. Employees reported instances of meatballs turning into “sentient blobs,” ravioli that grew gnarled teeth when heated, and one tragic case of an unstoppable possessed can of Beefaroni that could sing Bohemian Rhapsody backwards.
Once the scandal hit the news the Spongmonkies were corralled, arrested, legally tried, and sentenced to rehabilitation at Sonny’s Sanatorium. The incident caused public outrage and spurred much discussion about the lack of oversight or accountability of mascots, muppets, and puppets (MMP) in the workforce especially those MMP with questionable pasts or histories of psychiatric instability.
While Boyardee’s team called the allegations “grossly exaggerated,” an anonymous whistleblower (and former ingredient supplier to Chef Boyardee) claimed the factory was being run “like a haunted Chuck E. Cheese staffed by demented exorcist sock puppets,” forcing him to truncate any further business with the company.
Kicking the can down the road?
More recently The Herald has received unconfirmed reports of multiple mystery meat mishaps, offshore pasta laundering, and even an underground midget fight club with the code name MiniTortellini. The Boyardee team, as usual, denies everything — but we think these tea stains are getting harder and harder to scrub out with bribes and discounts.
“Aye, Boyardee may be back in the kitchen,” our whistleblower warns, “but the pantry ain’t clean.” Can Chef Boyardee prove he's still got the special sauce... even if it’s a little reheated?
“Chef wants to reclaim his legacy,” says one Boyardee board member. “He’s been through a lot — questionable outsourcing, shady ingredient deals, and one very unfortunate TikTok ‘Ravioli Roulette’ trend gone wrong, but he’s ready to stir the pot — literally.”
Whether it’s a heartfelt return or a desperate rebrand before more accusations boil over, sources close to the chef say he’s “ecstatic to be cooking again” and that he’s expected to unveil an all-new Gourmet Antidepasto for the affair -- a special Extra Strength Cheesy Ravioli in a Reduced Anxiety Sauce.
Stay tuned for more coverage of the Sanatorium gala which is rumored to feature a special guest DJ and other high profile celebrity mascot appearances.
Until then, stay saucy friends.
The Noid Nabbed: Pizza Mascot Sentenced to Mental Institution After Bizarre Crime Spree
The Halloween Herald Issue #2
—Special Report by Detective Sherlock Hemlock
In a shocking turn of events that has left pizza lovers stunned and psychologists baffled, the infamous Domino’s mascot -- The Noid -- has been committed to the high-security mental institution Sonny’s Sanitarium following a series of destructive crimes across multiple pizza chains.
Authorities say the red-suited cartoon nemesis, long known for his attempts to "ruin pizza," took his decades long vendetta too far last weekend when he allegedly sabotaged ovens, stole delivery scooters, and locked 14 employees inside a walk-in freezer at a local Papa John’s.
Witnesses report hearing high-pitched giggles and shouts of “You can’t avoid me now!” as he fled the scene on a skateboard and disappeared into the night.
“No one ever took the Noid seriously,” said Special Detective Krupky. “But this wasn’t one of his usual pranks. This was premeditated pizza terrorism.”
During his trial, court-appointed psychiatrists testified that the Noid had developed a delusional fixation on pizza delivery efficiency, claiming that modern GPS technology had rendered his existence obsolete. “He believes his life's mission is to restore chaos to the world of fast food delivery,” said Dr. R. Ruster. “The level of obsession is unprecedented.”
Judge Gavel Doozer ruled the Noid legally insane and ordered his permanent commitment to Sonny’s Sanatorium “for the protection of both the public and fast food chains across the nation.”
Domino’s has since released a statement expressing regret and disavowing the actions of their former mascot. “We hoped the Noid would stay in retirement. We had no idea the toll that 1980's marketing expectations had taken on him.”
Doctors at Sonny’s are welcoming the challenge of rehabilitating the Noid stating, “It's clear the industry and medical system has failed this poor soul. We accept the responsibility with open arms and aim to prove our cutting edge treatments can help even the most challenged in the MMP community.”
During the trial Judge Doozer suggested the Mascot Muppet & Puppet community may need more outside oversight than originally thought. No word yet on whether other food mascots will face legally enforced wellness checks as was suggested during the Spongmonkie Scandal late last year. In the meantime, the pizza industry remains on high alert — even though avoiding the Noid shouldn’t be a problem… for now.
Sonny’s Sanitarium to open doors to public with star-studded gala Nov 1st, 2025 — But what’s really going on behind those cereal-coated curtains?
The Halloween Herald Issue #1
—Published by our Page 666 Team Reporters
It’s going to be the gala of the year — sparkling lights, bottomless bowls of Lucky’s Charms, and a guest list hotter than a freshly toasted Pop-Tart — but beneath the sugar-glazed glitz, something seriously strange is afoot at Sonny the Cuckoo Bird’s Sanitarium for Mascots Muppets & Puppets.
Rumor has it the whole operation is backed by a suspiciously generous sponsorship from the Kellogg Foundation. Because of this, industry leaders raised eyebrows at the facility’s striking resemblance to Dr. John Harvey Kellogg’s infamous Battle Creek Sanitarium — a historic holistic retreat known for its bizarre “health & wellness” practices and, let’s be honest, more than a few deeply problematic ideologies.
Sonny’s Sanitarium is being touted as a “healing haven” for overworked and over-stimulated mascots, muppets, and puppets struggling with identity crises, public burnout, addiction, or just plain marionette madness.
Sonny himself, best known for going CUCKOO for Cocoa Puffs, has given several promotional interviews leading up to the gala, taking great pains to also mention his personal struggle to find proper treatment for his illness, “It’s not just about curing addiction or psychological pain. It's about gaining clarity and cleansing the soul.”
Inside the Sanitarium: More Than Meets the Googly Eye
Sources tell The Herald that treatments offered at Sonny’s are borderline unethical, raising many red flags. We're talking electrostatic “joy realignment,” high fiber breakfasst colonics, and something ominously referred to as the “Snap-Crackle-Pop Recalibration Chamber.”
Word on the street is retired mascots like Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and Frito Bandito were seen checking in weeks ago, but haven’t been spotted since.
Community Reactions
Local Lynbrook residents, on the other hand, have been buzzing with excitement over the economic boom Sonny’s Sanitarium might bring. “It’s going to be good for tourism,” sanitarium neighbor Beppie Lipsky said, “but between you and me, I’m keeping my Froot Loops locked away at night, just in case”.
Page 666 Verdict?
Sonny says the Sanitarium is “grrreat for the soul,” but not everyone’s convinced. With mascots checking in and few checking out we’re keeping our third eye firmly fixed on this one.
Stay tuned. This story’s just getting into soggy territory.