Chef Boyardee Makes Dramatic Comeback Cooking for a Cuckoo Cause
The Halloween Herald Issue #3
—Published by the Halloween Herald’s FoodFightz Division
Just released! Celebrity chef, and canned pasta king Chef Boyardee, will be making his re-entry into mascot celebrity culture at the grand opening gala of Sonny the Cuckoo Bird’s Sanatorium for Mascots Muppets & Puppets.
Officially emerging from the marinara stained shadows, this will be Boyardee’s first public cooking gig since last year’s Spongmonkies Scandal rocked the entire culinary world.
Flashback:
The Spongmonkies Scandal
Late 2024, headlines exploded when it was uncovered that Chef Boyardee had secretly outsourced the prep of his beloved canned pastas to none other than the Quiznos Spongmonkies — those bug-eyed, jingle-screeching gremlins from mid-2000's sandwich commercial hell.
The Spongmonkies, known for working in “chaotic, shriek-fueled conditions” and demanding payment solely in moldy cheese, purportedly caused an entire canning factory production line to descend into operatic madness. Employees reported instances of meatballs turning into “sentient blobs,” ravioli that grew gnarled teeth when heated, and one tragic case of an unstoppable possessed can of Beefaroni that could sing Bohemian Rhapsody backwards.
Once the scandal hit the news the Spongmonkies were corralled, arrested, legally tried, and sentenced to rehabilitation at Sonny’s Sanatorium. The incident caused public outrage and spurred much discussion about the lack of oversight or accountability of mascots, muppets, and puppets (MMP) in the workforce especially those MMP with questionable pasts or histories of psychiatric instability.
While Boyardee’s team called the allegations “grossly exaggerated,” an anonymous whistleblower (and former ingredient supplier to Chef Boyardee) claimed the factory was being run “like a haunted Chuck E. Cheese staffed by demented exorcist sock puppets,” forcing him to truncate any further business with the company.
Kicking the can down the road?
More recently The Herald has received unconfirmed reports of multiple mystery meat mishaps, offshore pasta laundering, and even an underground midget fight club with the code name MiniTortellini. The Boyardee team, as usual, denies everything — but we think these tea stains are getting harder and harder to scrub out with bribes and discounts.
“Aye, Boyardee may be back in the kitchen,” our whistleblower warns, “but the pantry ain’t clean.” Can Chef Boyardee prove he's still got the special sauce... even if it’s a little reheated?
“Chef wants to reclaim his legacy,” says one Boyardee board member. “He’s been through a lot — questionable outsourcing, shady ingredient deals, and one very unfortunate TikTok ‘Ravioli Roulette’ trend gone wrong, but he’s ready to stir the pot — literally.”
Whether it’s a heartfelt return or a desperate rebrand before more accusations boil over, sources close to the chef say he’s “ecstatic to be cooking again” and that he’s expected to unveil an all-new Gourmet Antidepasto for the affair -- a special Extra Strength Cheesy Ravioli in a Reduced Anxiety Sauce.
Stay tuned for more coverage of the Sanatorium gala which is rumored to feature a special guest DJ and other high profile celebrity mascot appearances.
Until then, stay saucy friends.
The Noid Nabbed: Pizza Mascot Sentenced to Mental Institution After Bizarre Crime Spree
The Halloween Herald Issue #2
—Special Report by Detective Sherlock Hemlock
In a shocking turn of events that has left pizza lovers stunned and psychologists baffled, the infamous Domino’s mascot -- The Noid -- has been committed to the high-security mental institution Sonny’s Sanitarium following a series of destructive crimes across multiple pizza chains.
Authorities say the red-suited cartoon nemesis, long known for his attempts to "ruin pizza," took his decades long vendetta too far last weekend when he allegedly sabotaged ovens, stole delivery scooters, and locked 14 employees inside a walk-in freezer at a local Papa John’s.
Witnesses report hearing high-pitched giggles and shouts of “You can’t avoid me now!” as he fled the scene on a skateboard and disappeared into the night.
“No one ever took the Noid seriously,” said Special Detective Krupky. “But this wasn’t one of his usual pranks. This was premeditated pizza terrorism.”
During his trial, court-appointed psychiatrists testified that the Noid had developed a delusional fixation on pizza delivery efficiency, claiming that modern GPS technology had rendered his existence obsolete. “He believes his life's mission is to restore chaos to the world of fast food delivery,” said Dr. R. Ruster. “The level of obsession is unprecedented.”
Judge Gavel Doozer ruled the Noid legally insane and ordered his permanent commitment to Sonny’s Sanatorium “for the protection of both the public and fast food chains across the nation.”
Domino’s has since released a statement expressing regret and disavowing the actions of their former mascot. “We hoped the Noid would stay in retirement. We had no idea the toll that 1980's marketing expectations had taken on him.”
Doctors at Sonny’s are welcoming the challenge of rehabilitating the Noid stating, “It's clear the industry and medical system has failed this poor soul. We accept the responsibility with open arms and aim to prove our cutting edge treatments can help even the most challenged in the MMP community.”
During the trial Judge Doozer suggested the Mascot Muppet & Puppet community may need more outside oversight than originally thought. No word yet on whether other food mascots will face legally enforced wellness checks as was suggested during the Spongmonkie Scandal late last year. In the meantime, the pizza industry remains on high alert — even though avoiding the Noid shouldn’t be a problem… for now.
Sonny’s Sanitarium to open doors to public with star-studded gala Nov 1st, 2025 — But what’s really going on behind those cereal-coated curtains?
The Halloween Herald Issue #1
—Published by our Page 666 Team Reporters
It’s going to be the gala of the year — sparkling lights, bottomless bowls of Lucky’s Charms, and a guest list hotter than a freshly toasted Pop-Tart — but beneath the sugar-glazed glitz, something seriously strange is afoot at Sonny the Cuckoo Bird’s Sanitarium for Mascots Muppets & Puppets.
Rumor has it the whole operation is backed by a suspiciously generous sponsorship from the Kellogg Foundation. Because of this, industry leaders raised eyebrows at the facility’s striking resemblance to Dr. John Harvey Kellogg’s infamous Battle Creek Sanitarium — a historic holistic retreat known for its bizarre “health & wellness” practices and, let’s be honest, more than a few deeply problematic ideologies.
Sonny’s Sanitarium is being touted as a “healing haven” for overworked and over-stimulated mascots, muppets, and puppets struggling with identity crises, public burnout, addiction, or just plain marionette madness.
Sonny himself, best known for going CUCKOO for Cocoa Puffs, has given several promotional interviews leading up to the gala, taking great pains to also mention his personal struggle to find proper treatment for his illness, “It’s not just about curing addiction or psychological pain. It's about gaining clarity and cleansing the soul.”
Inside the Sanitarium: More Than Meets the Googly Eye
Sources tell The Herald that treatments offered at Sonny’s are borderline unethical, raising many red flags. We're talking electrostatic “joy realignment,” high fiber breakfasst colonics, and something ominously referred to as the “Snap-Crackle-Pop Recalibration Chamber.”
Word on the street is retired mascots like Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and Frito Bandito were seen checking in weeks ago, but haven’t been spotted since.
Community Reactions
Local Lynbrook residents, on the other hand, have been buzzing with excitement over the economic boom Sonny’s Sanitarium might bring. “It’s going to be good for tourism,” sanitarium neighbor Beppie Lipsky said, “but between you and me, I’m keeping my Froot Loops locked away at night, just in case”.
Page 666 Verdict?
Sonny says the Sanitarium is “grrreat for the soul,” but not everyone’s convinced. With mascots checking in and few checking out we’re keeping our third eye firmly fixed on this one.
Stay tuned. This story’s just getting into soggy territory.