Juan Valdez & Chiquita Banana Unmasked! Shady Snapshots Shake Lead-up to Big Event
The Halloween Herald Issue #7
—Published by the Herald’s Private Investigative Division
Trouble is percolating at Sonny’s Sanatorium. What’s supposed to be a high class launch of the new lavish wellness compound continues to devolve into a series of scandals with more layers than a Chef Boyardee lasagna.
The glittering grand opening gala continues to serve more drama than detox, and at the center of this week’s intrigue are Sonny’s beloved gurus and sanitarium co-directors Juan Valdez and Chiquita Banana.
The Herald has obtained copies of the following exclusive photos showing Juan and Chiquita in a series of wild disguises—each more confusing than the last.
WARNING: some readers may find the following images peculiar and downright disturbing.
Juan and Chiquita in what looks to be some sort of twisted rendition of iconic American propaganda characters Uncle Sam and Rosie the Riveter.
Here they are photographed in what looks to be another glamorous gala, this time using the pseudonyms Pussy Galore and Oddjob.
We aren’t sure how this futuristic photo of them as hyper-sexualized Barf and Dot Matrix was captured, but frankly it is beyond the pale.
Finally, most outrageous of all, here they are captured clearly causing chaos in the Wild West.
Suspicious? You bet your cold brew it is.
Initially leaked on Sonny’s Sanitarium’s official Instagram account, the photos appeared alongside the following caption, “Juan and Chiquita: more international mystery than internal medicine.” The post has since been removed from the facility’s Instagram and scrubbed from the internet entirely.
When asked about Juan and Chiquita’s legitimacy as directors a former Sonny’s Sanatorium staffer hinted that the gala isn’t just an opening party; it’s also a soft launch for a line of experimental, wildly popular, bordering on ritualistic, presciptives created by the duo.
Rumor has it one of their signature concoctions, the Exxon Juan Valdez Chiquita Banana Republic Oil Spill, usually reserved exclusively for Sonny’s patients, will be on offer to all gala attendees.
The Herald reached out to Sonny’s for further comment regarding the suspicious post. A spokesperson issued the following reply, “Juan and Chiquita are international icons of health and vitality. Those photos simply reflect their global commitment to rejuvenation and exploration. We stand by them, as well as their valuable contributions to our patients and the cause.”
Questions remain… Who are Juan and Chiquita really? Are the photos proof of an insalubrious plot to market shady supplements to unsuspecting gala goers? If the photos are real, why the alter-egos and what are they actually up to at Sonny’s?
Whether Juan and Chiquita are at Sonny’s for a health revolution or a hustle, one thing is clear: the Sanitarium’s serene vibes are spiraling into a caffeine-fueled, fruit-scented fever dream… or perhaps, nightmare.
Stay tuned as we continue to track this spirulina-tinged scandal into its final act.