McMeltdowns, Meat Melees, & Mysteries
The Halloween Herald Issue #8
The upcoming opening night of Sonny’s Sanatorium (the luxury wellness resort for Mascots, Muppets, and Puppets (MMP)) is supposed to be a who’s-who of the MMP universe. But, instead of a red carpet drenched in glitz and glamour, it continues to be marred by a gossip grease-fire hotter than a fresh French fry fryer basket.
This week’s upset? McDonald’s Ronald and Burger King's King — two titans of the drive-thru kingdom — have officially ruffled more than a few feathers when they unveiled their shocking joint initiative a few weeks ago.
With undertones of global culinary domination and insinuations of monarchy anarchy, the Clown/King combo has come under intense fire as several heavy hitters in the snack celebrity scene have flat-out refused to attend the gala in protest.
Big Boy, Jack in the Box, and the entire boyband-esque burger brood from Five Guys have all publicly declined their invitations to the event, with Big Boy citing the collaboration as a “grilled betrayal”, and Five Guys posting a fiery group selfie captioned:
“We don’t supersize sellouts."
#FriesOverFiefdom
Meanwhile, Jack in the Box, rarely one to mince words (but always one to mince meat), released a cryptic statement through his PR team: “If you invite a clown to the throne room, don’t act surprised when your kingdom turns into a circus.”
Naysayers of the new duo are calling it a “hostile hamburger takeover,” while others claim it’s just a juicy distraction created by the Sonny’s PR team to deflect the fact that widely loved and unceremoniously retired mascots such as Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, and Frito Bandito checked into the facility months ago, but haven’t been seen since.
Public concern and controversy regarding these mascots' whereabouts drove Herald investigators to unearth the following dossier of patient profiles for those MMP currently at the facility.
CLICK HERE to see who’s checked in and why.
Despite all the hoopla, many industry icons are still set to show up to the November 1st event.
Chef Boyardee will be cooking up delights that are sure to wow attendees in more ways than one.
Biggest Loser: Mascot Edition competitors Little Debbie and Pop ‘n Fresh will find out whose waistline snatched the grand prize and who goes home empty handed.
The hottest couple of the summer -- Popeye and Catalina Mermaid -- will surely arrive in style and (ring fingers crossed) they may have a big announcement of their own.
And this just in! Purportedly, a fully rehabilitated The Noid -- ready for his return to the public eye -- will DJ the event. You can even call or text The Noid at BLAB 85 NOID to request your favorite song be played during the party.